If you’re like me—e.g. a performing artist, currently out-of-work due to COVID-19, stuck at home with an abundance of free time, and wrestling with a hyperactive imagination—then you are probably feeling an unbearable amount of frustration and pressure to innovate in the face of the pandemic.
Some questions that you may also be asking yourself: What do I do with all this time? How do I get myself “out there”? How can I contribute/make a difference/keep working when the rug has been pulled out from under my career/life?
Some fears that you may be experiencing: What if I’m forgotten? What if all the connections I worked so hard to foster fizzle out over the course of the next few months? What if I lose my creative edge? What if someone else does “the thing” first (comes up with THE great idea, or figures out THE solution…because, you know, there’s only one great idea out there)? What if, in one or two or ten years, I look back on this time and realize that I wasted it?
All of these, and more, are thoughts that have been buzzing incessantly through my head over the last three weeks of quarantine. I’ve made several solid, well intentioned mistakes (read: learning opportunities) as a direct result of these thoughts. Incidentally, I’ve also had several wonderful realizations, which I hope will provide you—the frustrated, ambitious, conscientious artist—with some peace of mind and sense of direction.
First, the opportunities for learning:
Coffee Dates
When I first fled NYC on March 14, I was under the impression that I was in the clear. So, having returned to my hometown in Iowa, and excited to reconnect with people in the midst of this crisis, I promptly set up several coffee dates with friends and family.
This was a mistake.
I didn’t know it was a mistake at the time, of course. Back then (was that only two weeks ago?), we had certain information at our disposal. The recommendations at that time were, I believe, to avoid gatherings of more than 50 people. So I thought, well, two or three people gathering for coffee would be alright.
Which leads to my second learning opportunity:
Cookies
Utterly frustrated at my lack of work and seemingly purposeless existence, I decided to bake cookies for a friend. This was something I could do, albeit a small thing, for a loved one in my life. I wouldn’t feel like such a useless blob, if I could just create something with my hands and offer it to my loved ones.
I brought these cookies to my friend’s place of work. Where there were other people working. People who have families consisting of elderly parents and grandparents and infants.
The day after I brought the cookies to my friend, I found out that I was exposed to someone who tested positive for COVID-19 while still in NYC.
So through my act of generosity, I could have potentially spread the virus to god knows how many people. Big mistake. (Side note: I was able to get a test, the results of which came back negative, so it turns out all is well. But I didn’t know that at the time, of course.)
And finally:
House Concert
This isn’t so much a mistake as it is a dodged bullet.
When I first got back to my hometown, I had the genius idea of putting together a little house concert/recital at my mother’s apartment. I had all these ideas for it: I’d find a local pianist to work with, we’d use it as a fundraiser for some wonderful organization in need, there would be wine and hand sanitizer and all the fixings.
Thank GOD the pianist I asked to join me said no. And not only said no, but also gently and with the utmost generosity suggested that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all. Bullet dodged.
So, what am I getting at here? I can be generous with myself and realize that, at each of these junctures, I was operating with a certain set of data that “allowed” me to do each of these things guilt-free. Back then, it was still “okay” for people to gather in one space, as long as it wasn’t more than X number of people. And yet, the outcomes of each of these actions could have been potentially disastrous.
Now, the realizations:
Get clear on WHY you want to contribute.
I approached each of these mistakes/learning opportunities with the best of intentions. So I’m not beating myself up over them. And yet, the snowball effect of these mistakes has caused me to realize that perhaps my intentions were not so altruistic after all.
Maybe I was desperate to contribute out of a selfish need to feel useful. Maybe I wasn’t thinking so much about what other people actually needed.
Which leads me to realization #2:
Staying home IS an act of generosity.
I went out and made those mistakes because I was desperate to contribute. I didn’t want to spend this time just sucking up resources—I wanted to make a difference. And that drive, well intentioned as it may have been, could have cost lives.
Now, I am choosing to take comfort in knowing that, by staying home, I am actively contributing to society at large. By staying the hell home, I am doing my part to relieve the hospitals’ influx of patients. I am protecting those around me who are at risk, and for an ambitious self-starter, it feels damn good to know that I am participating in something bigger than myself…by staying home.
Staying home and resting is a generous act during this crisis. Take care of yourself, and you will be taking care of others.
How can it be better than before?
The human periscope, Peter Shepherd, recently noodled on this thought: The mistake is “Taking things you’ve always done in person and merely trying to replicate them using technology.” And the opportunity? “Taking things you’ve always done in person and making them even better using technology.”
All of my well intentioned learning opportunities were a result of trying to replicate things the way they’ve always been done. This is understandable, since it was still relatively early in the crisis, and we didn’t yet know that we were in this for the long haul.
Now that we as a society realize that we are, in fact, in this for the long haul, I ask: in what new ways can we be generous in the age of COVID-19? What is the pandemic version of bringing cookies to the office, or having a benefit recital, or having friends over for coffee?
These are questions that a frustrated artist, currently out-of-work due to COVID-19, stuck at home with an abundance of free time, and wrestling with a hyperactive imagination, seems uniquely poised to answer.